He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
And said now that's addition,
And as he added smack by smack,
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly kissed him back,
And said now that's subtraction,
Then he kissed her 'n she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said.
That's multiplication,
Then dad arrived upon the scene,
And made a quick decision,
He kicked the kid three blocks away,
And said that's long division.

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."

WHY AM I MARRIED?

  You have two choices in life:
  You can stay single and be miserable,
  or get married and wish you were dead.

  At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
  "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

  A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
  "Husband Wanted".
  Next day she received a hundred letters.
  They all said the same thing:
  "You can have mine."

  When a woman steals your husband,
  there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

  A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
  .
  A little boy asked his father,
  "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
  Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

  A young son asked,
  "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
  a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
  Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

  Then there was a woman who said,
  "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
  and by then, it was too late."

  Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

  If you want your spouse to listen and
  pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

  Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go t! hrough l ife
thinking they had no faults at all.

  First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
  Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

   A Woman's Prayer

  Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

 

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN

Have a chuckle or two

A backward poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.

Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.

Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.

Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.

Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?

Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.

Those who build roofs are so inclined.

Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.

Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."

I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.

I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?

A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

Last Great Ocean Liner

Q E 2 Returns to the river Clyde

 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
 shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
 towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, 
the next-door neighbour.

 Before she! says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands 
naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and  leaves.
 The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
 gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" 

 "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

 "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes  me?"

 Moral of the story: 
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
 your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
 avoidable exposure.

  Lesson 2:
 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to 
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
 comes out.

 The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

 "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the 
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
 Puff! She's gone.

 "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
 relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of 
Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
 Puff! He's gone.
 "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." 

Moral of the story:
 Always let your boss have the first say.
 

Lesson 3

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
 saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" 

The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."
 So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
 All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 Lesson 4

 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to 
 the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

 "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
 bull. "They're packed with nutrients." ! 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
 enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
 tree.
 He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 Moral of the story:
 Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

  Lesson 5

 A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
 froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
 there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
 realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
 there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
 dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 Morals of the story:
 (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 


THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Were has summer gone this year, with all this rain we've been having up here... the dreaded midges have just got bigger and bigger lol !!!!! 

INVERKIP LOSES GREEN BELT LAND 

Well  four years on the villagers of Inverkip have lost there battle to stop the deregulation of the green belt land behind the village of Inverkip for housebuilding. Over a thousand people signed a petition of no confidence in our local councillors for approving the deregulation of this green belt land for housebuilding needless to say they are no longer our councillors the villagers voted them out at the last election but to no avail the developers got there way and have moved in with there heavy equipment and have started destroying the land for housebuilding. The woodsmen have started cutting down the trees. gosh all the little birds that lived there are flying all over the place not knowing whats going on or where to go, the sika deer that sought refuge in these woods were last seen on the A78 road dodging in and out of the traffic in there haste to get away  goodness knows were they are now. We've had a considerable increase in the number of bats we have flying about at night which I think has got to do with the felling of the trees, and as for barney the Owl who has lived in these woods for years he is no where to be seen ! the only creatures that seem to be coping with it all at the moment is the Grey squirrels as they dodge in and out of the felled logs. So this is progress ? all that's happened is that a beautiful piece of land has been destroyed for to build houses on, whilst there is other land in the area crying out for housing development !.

Song 1

Song 2

Song 3

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HOW DID YOU DO !!

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